The medicine for a long upset stomach or something, from “The Wave”

The medicine for a long upset stomach or something, from “The Wave”
by goura fotadar
071015

I prefer to be sick
the cleanser is soaked into my finger prints
I’m allergic to rubber gloves
I have been since I’ve been eighteen
when a woman who worked for the same company
but not in the kitchen any longer
brought me rubber gloves for doing all those heavy
dishes or heavy loads of dishes
before that I used to use my hands to wash all
the junk off those large and many dishes
plain at my job
for it never really does take that long to wash dishes
does it
it’s kind of a nice job
and it gave me money and everything so
and like they say it wears on your hands
but never did I believe them
because never did I see it wear on my hands
the dishwashing
scuse me I have to use the toilet
I just satisfactorily cleaned
as in satisfying to my own discretion
with my hands and not gloves
because of the drought
my new toilet flushing system
conserving water
and still using it freely
the only version of a not compromise on freedom of water with severe
conservation
I have yet come up with another
I prefer to be sick
and so my new version of drought toilet flush
is done with my sick strength
that break apart the feces
as it flushes
it’s a little gross to sea
but at least not to sea
I hope
I don’t quite know what happens after they pass through the pipes
I mean I should but I don’t know then
the sick strength turns to health not exactly
but like a high functioning illness or sickness
and it lasts sometimes for three years at a time
where I am more productive than anybody I know
and also sorry but better than anybody I know
and this makes me an asset to myself
and my life is an enjoyable experience worth existing in
but not because of conceit
rather because of self-worth
and then I think even with the choice
of sickness
and being all that high functioning and all
then there is still a lot of rest
and I almost as much as possible avoid the doctor
or doctors
who assure me that I am really sick and that I need the surgery
or even surgeries despite my young age
and really I want the herbs that cause they say cancer
and so I switch from the herbs which I’ve already taken anyway
to the things of this Universe which they say makes me a quack
but look they’re being surgerized and I’ve sick high functioning
and like isn’t that my choice
and like if they doctor just offered those “alternatives” along with their prescription of my surgeries or surgery
then like I’d go to the doctor a lot more
and not tune out the mad ness of yelling at me “quack”
for not having surgery or surgeries
but you know who cares
I don’t I can easily tune it out
but being sick is like a hot fever burning your insides into
a state of pain and severe discomfort and I wonder without the things
of this Universe put into my body how could I function
I’d survive but function I don’t know and
when I sit at the table to eat
a meal that I know might make the sickness more severe I focus
on eating or rather drinking the chemicals we use to clean the toilets
and in my case the task done so without gloves
and I start to drink the chemicals in my mind
because I know that what grows in my body is much
worse than that which exists in sewers
septics
and any illness
and isn’t that so gross
or something!
so sickening

I forgot what I was going to say a quarter of it or something
while I sat on the toilet wailing but not crying out
in sickness relieving my body but in burning pain
the man outside that I don’t know
listened
and you’d think I’d be embarrassed or something
but you know when you’re really sick
like I am for as long as you are really sick
I’ve now been sick for nearly half of my adult life
and before that I had been sick maybe once maybe twice
in quick shots
maybe
?
and it doesn’t kill you
you become if you haven’t already been:
in the experience
and nothing else matters
it just gets done
there are those that exist outside your sickness
which is now you
and they can’t touch you as much as they might think they could
and they stop trying
soon
and they just look at you in awe
and you’re like yeah I guess we didn’t this about me
but wasn’t it always obvious I mean c’mon
just look at how I acted before it was all influenced by my sickness
and in those bouts of wellness
they try again to make me sick in their stinging way
but I just shrug my shoulders because being sick is an elevated and
unreachable way to be but in a way that makes you famous
where no jealousy or envy can touch you
but it watches wondering how it can ever get close to you
and it doesn’t get close to you
you get close to yourself
and those with it not trying to get close to you any longer
become your friends; their envy and jealousy a topic or feeling not
part of the relationship
and it’s friendships of distance because they need nothing from you now
that won’t curse them in a way that won’t survive them
but for some reason
they awe you
and you are their friend
maybe only their one only friend; though there are several even many of them for you
but you are sick
and that is what you are
and that is all you will be and
there is nothing else
it’s all on the outside of your sickness
and those that claim they love you
or want you or something
they also don’t matter
the empathy you might have once had for their experience of you
is now gone
and it exists only like everything else outside but it is gone
and instead they are stuck
so maybe those cannot be your friends
and they leave your life altogether
and that’s no problem for you
because they never were your experience really
just their own experience of you
anyway life goes forward progresses builds and promotes itself
with your sickness being you
and you do all the work
but you don’t feel it
because all you feel is the sickness
your constant experience is the sickness
your constant experience is you

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s